A lot of people have been talking about The Left over the past few days. Confused about what The Left is and what these evil scum want to do? Don’t worry. This simple guide should help you.
Do you ever feel like people being taxed on their earnings would be somehow quite a good idea, rather than depriving the honest-to-goodness salt-of-the-earth wealth-creating silent majority of their rightful money? Then you belong to The Left. The capital T of The is essential, because it makes it more scary.
Whenever anyone on The Left, whether they are a protester chucking paint on a pensioner or a politician sending pictures of themselves in their pants, does anything, you have to understand that you are responsible. If you are on the Left, everything anyone does on The Left belongs to you. If someone on The Left is antisemitic, so are you. Sorry, but that’s the way it is. Whenever one person on The Left does anything, it’s collective responsibility – since you Stalin-loving Internationale-chanting idiots love collectivism so much, you deserve it.
The Hard Left
Have you ever joined a trade union? Gone on a protest? Found yourself among people in army surplus clothes blowing whistles and selling copies of Socialist Worker? Then you are on the Hard Left. Don’t argue; you are. If you’ve ever decided to protest about anything, you have smashed windows, chucked petrol bombs and tried to murder our hard-working police officers. You are the sort of vile individuals who make sure that nervous swing voters in Basildon will never vote Labour again, you idiots. It’s all your fault. If you just accepted your fate and enjoyed the fact that 37% of voters wield 100% of power, like you should do, you childish serfs, then everything would be all right. But oh no.
The Loony Left
The Loony Left is something we thought we’d left behind in the 1980s, but it’s going to come back. Not actually come back come back, you understand, but since we’ve Conservative government, any group with the slightest glimmer of power, whether local or national, can be safely and instantly dismissed as being from the Loony Left. Any Labour-run council which does anything other than close libraries and sack everyone can be described as “Loony Left” from now on. Loonies. Because it’s important to say that giving a monkey’s about other human beings is a product of insanity.
The Old Labour Communist Left
As you sip a chai latte from your Ed Miliband “Controls On Immigration” mug, you must be wondering where it all went wrong. Was it that you were too left-wing? It must have been. If you want any other political path than selling off everything to the private sector, you are the Old Labour Communist Left. If only you’d listened to Tony and Peter, everything would have been all right. But no. You wanted to have “principles” and to do things because they were “the right things to do”. Shame on you for having emotions, and feelings, and things like that. Do you want the Tories back? Well, do you? No? Well then you must recreate a Tory party and call it Centre Left with slightly nicer logos and branding.
The Liberal Guardianista Left
Have you found yourself burdened by something over the past few years? Every day you’ve probably woken up thinking, ugh, some terrible thing is weighing me down, what on earth can it be? Yes, of course, it was the horror of being allowed to have so-called “Human” so-called “Rights”. We have a Government dead-set on removing this blight of so-called “Human” so-called “Rights”, and anyone who dares to oppose this is a sandal-wearing mung-bean-munching yoghurt-weaving fair-trade Guardianista liberal. Pah. You are a naive idiot, a Useful Idiot exploited by the Old Labour Communist Left and the Loony Left to allow Stalin through the back door.
Your instinctive (and wrong) squeamishness around things like war, torture and bombing people is exactly why the Left are a dangerous menace and can never be allowed near power ever again. So you think so-called “Humans” should have so-called “Rights”? Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. What a silly, sixth-form-politics load of nonsense. So you think Islamophobia is a real thing? Fool. Grow up.
The Left Diversity Nazis
Ever felt like there’s a possibility of it being a problem that every institution you can think of is overwhelmingly white, middle-class and male? Think that it’s somehow wrong that people are disadvantaged by their gender, race or anything else? Then congratulations; you are a Diversity Nazi. Often seen as a subset of the Loony Left, Diversity Nazis include all feminists, all anti-racists and everyone who has ever felt slightly uncomfortable about prejudice. How dare you demand ‘fairness’ or ‘equality’ of any kind. And if you suggest some kind of positive discrimination or affirmative action, you are clearly traitors who are punishing the real victims.
After all, don’t forget that actually, lefties are the real racists, while white men are the real victims. There was once a white private-school-educated man who once complained that he found it hard to get a job at the BBC… I mean, he got one in the end and ended up becoming hugely rich and successful, but that was despite his struggle, and not because he enjoyed any advantage whatsoever.
The Centre Left (Progressive Left)
The Centre Left are the good guys. You’re allowed to be on The Left if you’re on The Centre Left, because The Centre Left is composed of pragmatic, progressive people. I don’t quite know what progressive means, but it’s okay because nobody else does, either. It can mean whatever you want it to mean. Want to cut back the welfare state, but slightly more slowly? That’s progressive. Want to stop spending, but still spend a tiny bit, a token amount? Progressive. Want to destroy the public sector, but feel a bit bad about it? Progressive. Centre. Good. Right. The only acceptable form of Left. All else is misery, doom and Communism.
So, those are the main categories. See how many you can spot being referred to in the coming weeks and days, as Labour ignores the incoming Toryland and concentrates instead on tearing itself apart.