It is with a heavy heart and after much soul searching that I’ve decided I must abandon my beloved Labour party.
Sure, I’ve never written anything in favour of them, and you might get the impression from such pieces as “Miliband is a bum and smells of poo” and “Brown is a terrible plop head” that my relationship with any leader other than Tony Blair has been relatively strained. But I assure you I am a Labour supporter at heart.
Labour has lost its way. It began as a social Democratic party of the centre right and has existed like that since its birth, yet now it has been infiltrated by some awful entryists who have stupidly forced it down a path that will lead to Communism, despair, defeat and death for every man, woman and child in Britain. I think that’s not overstating it.
True, during The Golden Era of 1997-2007 there were all sorts of hangers on from appalling trade unions, left-wing groups and the like, dreadful relics from an era that should be confined to “regrettable errors”, but they knew that they were only there as ballast. A quick “Well, do you want the Tories back?” and they’d fall into line. Quite right too. They know their place. Now they say to me, “Well do you want the Tories back?” and I answer well, it’d be better than you lot, you smelly bastards, and feel like I’ve given them a teachable moment.
Let me tell you about my journey. We all have silly ideas about being fair to others or having social justice and daft things like that when we’re young and naive and callow and naive and naive. But then the sensible ones among us, like me for example, realise that there’s no point in thinking that way anymore. Do you see? I have had a journey, whereas you haven’t, so my views are bound to be more well thought out than yours. Yes.
As well as that, you will go on about the bloody wars, won’t you? Can I remind you that we did a minimum wage. Yes! You conveniently forget about that when you wheel out your bleeding heart nonsense about people “dying” in so called “wars”. And besides there are some extremists who go on anti war marches so that’s what all of you are like, every single one of you. I had an epiphany and realised war was actually, when you think about it, something that saves lives. But you wouldn’t get that because you’re stuck in your naive sixth form idiocy.
The fact that I’ve got a handy little cheque from “Terrible Right Wing Scumbags” magazine to write this very personal story of my personal journey has nothing to do with it, you understand. It’s time we went our separate ways. I hope you lose everything and the Tories win and then YOU DIE BECAUSE I HATE YOU.