Look, actually I think David Cameron comes out of this whole business pretty well.
If it happened – and I’m sure it didn’t – but if it happened, it’s just the sort of high spirited pranks and fun that goes on in every exclusive university club right up and down the country. Literally everyone in Britain has been to one of the world’s most prestigious universities, thanks to a quiet word from daddy, and has experienced the totally normal “boys will be boys, thumb your willy into a pig skull” culture there. Everyone. Normal. Who among us hasn’t popped the old chap into a butcher’s offcut for japes? We’ve all been there. Larks.
Second, if he did it, so what? Lad. That’s what I say. He’s now king of the lads and the master of banter. Proper bants! It just goes to show our politicians aren’t just dried up, boring, Trotskyite geography teacher menaces from the 1970s. They can be virile, fun, laddish, bantery rogues too. And who could argue that isn’t a good thing! (Not me. But to be fair I couldn’t argue anything with any precision or skill.)
It was a long time ago. Sure, for the past two weeks we’ve been dredging up incidents from the early years of Jeremy Corbyn’s ancient ancestors – some of them went around in coracles for heaven’s sake – but you misunderstand the false equivalence. Lefties are fair game. Nothing is off the table. Sex lives, 36-year-old relationships, whatever. But our lot are to be cushioned from scrutiny. That’s how it works.
This is all the fault of the horrible, tittering, juvenile Left. The very same people who last week I was describing En masse as being a humourless, grey slab of boring tedium are this week a silly, joke-obsessed bunch of gigglers who can’t get past the very mundane reality of a Prime Minister whipping out his whoopsy and letting it rest against a set of boar’s teeth. How is that funny in any way? Ridiculous.
As a tory supporter you’ve heard me down the years describe the enormously rich as decent, honourable servants of the nation, wonderful wealth creators who inspire others to be entrepreneurs and better themselves. I’ve said non doms are just good Citizens doing the right thing by their families, and who wouldn’t? Obviously today that all changes. Ashcroft is scum. How dare this tax diddling billionaire bastard have any say on anything?
People say this is humiliating. That the fact a future Prime Minister would demean himself by popping his dinkle into a carcass just to join a club shows he’s a snivelling toady. A man without integrity. Someone who would do anything to win the favour of the Big Boys. To which I say, why on earth do you think I’ve been on every single news programme for the past 53 hours, practising my Serious and Disappointed face to show I’m very Sad? Please give me a job Dave, I’ve gone out to bat for you today. Let me build another crappy school or something, yeah?