Can’t get a job? Pick fruit. We’ll send all the foreigns back home to pick their own fruit. Now you pick it. Can’t pay your bills? Pick some fruit. Take back control. Make some jam. Jam is great. Exports are great. Great Britain. Export the jam to the French, they love a bit of jam but they’re too stupid to make their own jam because they’re foreign and French and smell. Pick fruit. Pick fruit to make jam. Take back control. Go and pick some fruit. Want a job? Tough. You can’t get one. There aren’t any left. Pick some fruit. Go and pick fruit for chuckles and buttons. Take an apprenticeship for nothing. Pick fruit. Be a fruit picking apprentice. Great British fruit picking apprenticeships, available now. Don’t want to pick fruit? You get nothing. You lose. Good day.
Look, it’s not our fault that your pension doesn’t exist, or, if it does exist, is going to be destroyed very soon. You can’t have one. You can’t have one because we’ve got them, and we’ve got a triple lock, because we’re special. We were born when we were born, and we deserve better things than you, and we bought our houses when there were jobs for life and we could afford them, so we deserve them, and you don’t, so you don’t get them. It’s not our fault if your parents weren’t born at the right time, or didn’t do as well as us, because we did, and if you didn’t, tough. Have a grammar school instead.
Well, not for you, obviously. Not for your children, probably, because you can’t afford the coaching and if you don’t have the right advantages, you’re not naturally ‘bright’ enough in the first place. But it’s fair because it’s social mobility. I mean there isn’t any evidence that they improve social mobility, but people want them, because they like to think their children are all above average intelligence and deserve it, and as we know, people get what they deserve, and if they don’t, they don’t deserve it, and that’s that. Have a grammar school.
Have a blue passport. Have a nice blue passport, like the good old days. Have a Blue Peter style competition to choose the design, although it’ll be the Queen, because what other way to remind you that some people deserve what they have and other people – worse people, people like you – don’t? Maybe we should get her a new yacht, to show how much she is loved, while everything else swirls around the toilet bowl, just to rub it in.
Because all you want is to get rid of the foreigns, you’ll do anything. You will accept any hardship. You will be worse off and you will like it. You will suffer and you will say thank you, like the serfs you are. You don’t want back those libraries we closed because we said that austerity was the only option, only we just realised – sorry! – that it wasn’t, but we can’t undo that now. The important thing was, we kept the right people wealthy and didn’t touch any of that. You might even get pounds and ounces back, if you play your cards right. And now our troops can torture and kill with impunity, just like the Good Old Days when the Empire ruled and grateful foreigners allowed us to ruin their countries. We certainly showed them – and now we don’t want them over here.
Enjoy your bright new future. Control back. Immigrants gone. Blue passports. Fruit picking. No jobs. No life. No benefits. No welfare. No libraries. No hope. But you can feel slightly warmer inside, knowing that for a few glorious minutes, we Took Back Control. We won.