Sometimes it would be nice to take your brain out and wash it under a tap, then stick it back in. Sometimes, in a dream, I can just exist. Call it depression, call it mistakes, call it some kind of damage: it’s there, and it is part of me. It took time to make peace with that knowledge. For years I hoped it would, or could, go away. I don’t think it will.
It’s like having a silent, bleak passenger, a parasite that sucks all your confidence and joy, and poisons you from the inside. It takes and it gives nothing back. You carry it around, and you feel it wherever you go, whenever. Sometimes it fades to the background, and becomes part of the general hum – you can get on with the business of living, which isn’t easy anyway. Other times, it grabs you by the eyes and tries to drag you down to roll in the mud.
Depression is a cunt. It lies to you and it hurts you. It tells lies about other people and it hurts them too. You’re responsible for everything you do, but you don’t want to do some of the things you do. You want to be better, in every way. You want to be a person who isn’t sick; you want to be a person who isn’t so shameful, wasteful, pathetic. You just want a chance, any chance, to see what it might be like to have a crack at life, a fair chance, without this invisible, heavy film soaking into your skin. But that is not your life.
There are ways to get help. There’s no use fighting it on your own, although only you can fight it. Everyone wants to help but no one can. And you have to accept, at some point, that you are trapped alone, even when you are surrounded by other people – sometimes especially when you are surrounded, that’s when you feel most alone.
That’s just everyday life. Sometimes, making it from Monday to Tuesday is an achievement. Sometimes, making it from 9am to 10am. Just mark out the time. Little victories. I’m still here. I’m one minute further away from *that thing, the thing we don’t talk about* than I was earlier. Each keystroke is one more second. Each moment is a moment you got through. Each day is a victory. Each breath a hope.